So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
