Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
I think a kid would responsible me up
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Randomize
