Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
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