two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Randomize
