My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
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