i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
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