She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
Don't EVER smell your tampon
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
