I took Valium worth by frank. I squabble
Li shadha you vin. It's phot out. I just ate a fried Oreo
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Randomize
