It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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