My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
