Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
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