tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize