i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
