you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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