Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
