i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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