Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I will pee on everything he values.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Randomize
