I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
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