it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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