hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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