Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
