3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Well you know what I always say about freshmen.... If you want it, and they've got it... get it.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
Randomize
