i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
Randomize
