I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
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