wrigley field is MILF paradise
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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