Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
