On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize