you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
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