I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Randomize
