What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
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