we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
