You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
what day is it and did you see me today?
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Randomize
