I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
Randomize
