My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
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