im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Randomize
