You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize