help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
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