I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
