I hate u. Im listening to lady gaga and all i can hear is boca base om om om ommmm
He asked to "fluff my boner.."
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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