i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
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