Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Randomize
