I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
it's not cheating when I paid for it
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Randomize
