Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Randomize
