Plan B is the new Plan A
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
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