are you so shy because you have an std?
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
