how hairy? two words: wookie tits
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
