Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
We were destined to go to rehab together
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Randomize
