The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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