Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Randomize
