we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
I just found a bag of teeth...
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize
