I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Randomize
