I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize