She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
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