At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Randomize
