i need an iv and a liver transplant
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
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