I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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