Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
