Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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