Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Randomize
