fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
We need a shit load of segways right now
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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