Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
