No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
